In October my parents had asked if I would right a letter to my grandparents explaining my transition to them. They felt that I could do a better job then what they told them over the summer. I spent several hours and put together a nice letter for them and printed out several photos of myself as well. I had my therapist, Tori and another friend read my letter and they all thought it was great.
I brought a few more copies with me when I went back to my parents house, for Thanksgiving, incase my parents wanted to send it out to some other relatives. Last night my grandparents called me.
After my first day at work as me!
So how did it go? Well, it went pretty good actually. There isn’t a whole lot of stuff to say really. I got up this morning, got dressed and put a little bit of makeup on. I was going for a non-overbearing look but enough to be like, “Hi, I’m Erin!”
I pulled up to work and sat in my vehicle for a few minutes thinking… wow, I’m actually about to do this. Before today, I thought about what it would be like to be caught at work in girl clothes and now here I am, about to walk into work looking like a total chick! So I stepped out and walked up to the back door and unlocked it. I took a deep breath and walked in. I normally park in the back and go in the back door because my office is like right there after you open the door, so this wasn’t unusual.
I turned my computer on and read office email. I learned that several people were to be out today. I sat at my desk, didn’t talk to anyone for about 20 minutes. Then one of my friends walked in (one that I had told before hand about myself) and was like “HI!” I was actually relieved to see him. It wasn’t awkward because he has met me before as “Erin”.
Then slowly but surely I eventually talked to everyone else in the office. I was hesitant at first but after I said hi and spoke a few words I started to get settled in. I talked in my andro voice as much as I could. I am trying to keep at a certain level/tone for now to get used to it. On the bright side, no body gave me any awkward stares or really acted weird. I think one or two co-workers had a tad bit of difficulty looking at me like they normally did but it wasn’t a big deal.
Besides my two friends at work who I told before, only one other co-worker called me Erin today and it was actually a surprise to me it came from him. It was right as I was leaving, he said: “Good night Erin.” I replied back to him, Good night and left with a smile on my face. All in all, it was painless and not that awkward. We’ll see how the next few days to weeks go but I think it will be OK.
[edit]
Oh ya, officially day 1 of living fulltime!!!
The work day is now over. I am home and still in one piece. Today was like every other day at work except now every body else knows that I am a transsexual and in transition. Nobody said anything trans related to me today. Everyone was just like normal usual and talked to me like usual about the usual stuff. They were each told individually by the owner and my boss.
So I have tomorrow at work, then I’m off Wednesday thru Monday for Thanksgiving. The next date is set, November 29th. This day, the day I return to work from the holidays is the first day I will step foot into work as nothing but me, the woman I am. I am pretty nervous about that.
Leaving to go see Bodies The Exhibit at MOSI with Tori and her parents.
About a year ago I set a goal to be living full-time by the end of this
year. A few months ago I made a goal to come out at work in
October or November. About a month and a half ago, I set a
timeframe to come out at work. A few weeks ago, I set a day to do
it.
On October 18th I sent the owner of the company I work for an email
asking for a period of time that him and I could talk privately.
I mentioned it was rather important but didn’t say why. He is
normally in and out of the office all week, so he doesn’t really hold a
set schedule. He replied and said that Wednesday (October 19th)
was better for him then either Thursday or Friday. This worked
out since I was planning on Wednesday anyhow. The meeting was
set, 2:00 PM Wednesday, October 19th 2005.
The next day rolled around and I was feeling a little bit
nervous. I did my work as usual and sort of forgot about
it. I glanced at the clock and it was 1:30 PM, I instantly got
all butterflied inside. When two o’clock rolled around I had to
get myself together and it took me actually a minute or two before I
could knock on his office door. My therapist suggested that I
bring an updated resume with me and a photo so he could see what I
looked like. I didn’t bring a resume, I figured it was not needed
and I saved a photo of myself on my hard drive network share for later.
I sat down and basically was straight out with it. There wasn’t
really any beating around the bush with this subject. I started
off saying something to the tune of there being another part of my life
that you ‘nor anyone else knows about but I want to share it with
everyone… blah, blah, blah… I am transgendered. His
expression on his face didn’t change, he just leaned back in his chair
a bit.
He asked me a few questions, like one was how long have I felt this way
and another was if I was going to have a sex-change operation. He
told me in advance that I didn’t have to answer any questions if I
didn’t want to but I”m very open about things and answered and gave
input on everything. I was so nervous the first like 5 minutes
talking to him, I was shaking but after that I settled right in and was
able to look at him longer when I spoke.
Basically, he wants to make my transition at work as smooth as possible
for me. We talked about some of the other employees and how they
would react, we both agreed that everyone should be OK with it and not
have any issues. If anything comes up, like any harrassment
or inappropriate behavior, he said he would deal with it accordingly
and that nobody should bring that kind of stuff to his office and if it
comes down to it, they would be let go. I was thrilled that I
have his full support!
We both agreed that it would be a good idea if he would talk to my boss
for me. I had no problem with that 
He also told me that
he has never been in a situation quite like this before lol that this
is all new to him. He asked me to get some advice from my
therapist about how the best way handling my transition at work with
other employees (mainly telling how to tell them) employees. I
told him that wasn’t a problem. I showed him my photo from when I
went to court for my name change and he said that I make a rather
attractive young lady That comment put such a huge smile on my
face!
Later that afternoon I went looking for my boss because I had a
question, I couldn’t find him. The owners door was shut and I
could hear some talking. I couldn’t tell what about but I
recognized my boss’ voice. So I assume he told him that
afternoon. Later when my boss came to see me that evening, it was
a tad awkward. I knew he knew but I don’t think he knew I knew he
knew LOL (Seinfield moment). I couldn’t stop like
grinning/smiling at him and he had this huge smile on his face
too. He just said a few things about the current project I was
working on and then good night.
The next step was all three of us together talking about how to handle
the rest of the employees. As you all already know, two of my
co-workers already know about me and are totally cool with it. I
never told the owner that they know, figured it wasn’t really important
information. So a week and a half later, today, all three of us
had that meeting.
OMG, it was almost just as awkward again because now I would be facing
my boss talking about my transition. For the past week and a half
the owner and my boss didn’t treat me any different, they were both
just normal and really cool. The big topic today was how to go
about telling everyone else.
My boss stands on the same ground as the owner goes about my
transition. He fully supports me and that this has no effect on
my work performance and that is why I work there. Basically, I am
a valuable employee not because of who I am but because of how I work
which is the way it should be. We talked about legal stuff,
mainly my name change. They were curious about how all that work
because I am not a citizen. I told them that I have to wait for
the BCIS to change my residency documents to reflect my new name before
I can change my identification and financial accounts. Which by
the way, I haven’t heard back from the BCIS about my application for a
replacement green card.
The line of thinking so far is to tell each other co-worker
individually. Take them in one-by-one and have my boss/owner tell
them about my transition pending any extra or better advice I get from
my therapist (which I see tomorrow morning). They think this is a
better approach because a group setting might hinder some people from
speaking up and asking questions. I told them that I have no
problem answering questions as I am very open about my transsexualism
and transition. We set a date, November 21st, to tell everyone
else. Why so long? Well, over half of the employees are
going to be gone for the next 3 weeks on a business trip up north to
work out details with a new client we signed. This client is huge
and will bring a lot of money and work into the office which is
good.
They also asked me when I wanted to change my appearance at work, ie.
come to work in female attire. I told them, the last week in
November or the first week in December, sometime in that narrow
timeframe. It’s funny though, half of the clothes I was wearing
today at work were female. My jeans from Express and these cute
running shoes. Not sure if anyone notices or not. I’ll let them
know a more exact day when it gets closer to that time and when I am
ready to.
It’s like OMG what did I do??? LOL. It’s actually a really great
feeling though to be moving forward with my life. I never thought
I’d be where I am at even as little as 3 years ago. 3 years ago I
thought transition was impossible for me to do for many of the same
reasons that worry people now that aren’t sure if they want to. I
set a goal to live full-time by the end of this year and I am going to make it happen.
Yesterday, I decided to come out to two co-workers/friends at work. We went out to lunch and I decided to tell them. I won’t go into grave detail about the how’s and the why’s but basically, I knew these two would be pretty cool with it and me and I was right. One of them, the girl that had the previous TS friend, kind of already figured it out from the name change but didn’t say because she was afraid she could of been wrong, understandable. The other friend was like, that is just so cool. I knew he’d be pretty accepting because of just talking to him.
So I have both their support. They both said, we got your back and if they fire you because of this, we’re gonna quit. I was shocked to hear each of them say that. It was great to hear. So we chatted a bit about work, how others might take this next month and then, obviously, things about me. They really didn’t have any clue I was trans before they knew about the name change. I was nervous and it took a bit for me to work into it.
It did lift a little weight off my shoulders at work 
I guess I’ll start off saying Happy Birthday to me. Today marks my 26th year on this planet Tori made a journal entry wishing me a happy birthday, it was so sweet. I just get tickled when I see it. My birthdays haven’t been really that special to me in the past. They just feel like another day ya know? Although today I feel special. Tori makes me feel special and I gave myself a wonderful present. My little sister called me at lunch time to wish me a happy birthday, and her friend jumped on the phone too. It was nice to hear from her since we don’t talk all that much but she’s not a phone talker to begin with. So Happy Birthday to me.
One of my co-workers took me out for lunch. This proved to be interesting because I was planning on going down to the County Courthouse and file my name change. I been filling out the form at work and a few want to know what it is for. I just tell them its for “something”. It’s driving them nuts lol. So anyway, we drive downtown. Now, I have never been in the heart of downtown Tampa and it was really nice. It reminded me of the city life I like Although they moved the courthouse because the one I was told to go was under-construction. We walked around looking for an alternate enterance but never found one. On the backside across the street I saw “13th Judicial Circuit Court” on a building and I was like, maybe I gotta go there since that was the website I went to for the forms.
It’s a brand new building, it was really beautiful in exterior architecture and interior was nice. The line wasn’t too long for Family Court filings but I still stood there for a good bit. My co-worker that went with me just walked around looking at stuff so he wasn’t around when I got to the teller window and stated my business for being there. I turned my paper work in and was informed that I needed finger prints as well. I was like WTF, I was never told this on the phone when I called. So anyway, she was like, you can still file the application but just bring us a set of your finger prints. I paid the cashier and was on my way.
My co-worker took off though because he didn’t want a parking ticket so he had to fend off the meter maids lol. So I figure on Monday, I’ll drive downtown to the Police department, get finger printed and run them over to the courthouse. It cost me $267.00 to file the change of name in Hillsborough County. $255.00 for the name change fee and $12.00 for sealing the change of name to the Office of Vital Statistics and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. I’ll be contacted by mail of a court date after the “Case Management Unit” reviews my file. So far, step 1 complete… Yay!
We then headed for lunch. My little sister called during this time. We went to this mom and pop pizza shop near the SOHO District. It was called Sally’s Pizza Hotline. It’s gourmet pizza and it was the first time either of us had been there. I heard about this place from another co-worker. We had “The Sauceless Pizza”, dough brushed with garlic and oil, extra cheese, pepperoni, sausage, herbs and a dash of herbs. It was so good! It was sweet of him to pick up the tab. By the time we got back to work, 2.5 hours had passed! Kinda long lunch break
I waited till today to file the change of name because I needed to wait for my parents to get back from their trip to Canada. My parents had some info I needed to complete the name change. They arrived back on Wednesday. They drove up to Thunder Bay for a couple weeks because it was my Grandpa’s birthday. I don’t remember how old he is. At any rate because my brother is getting married next summer, they had to tell relatives about my transition. My mom was only planning on telling her sister but she ended up telling everyone since nearly everyone was in town for the birthday! So, all my aunts, uncles and cousins know that I am transgendered and that I am transitioning. Pretty much, my parents said the initial reaction from everyone was good. Nobody had anything negative to comment on and even some expressed concern about how hard it is for me and wanted to know how I am doing. My mom still didn’t tell her mom, my Grandma, because she thinks it will literally kill her. Her sister agrees and to some extent, I think it’s possible.
My Mom’s Mom is 80+, does not speak english, has never driven a car, she is really old school. She is from Finland, as is my mom. I can understand a lot of Finnish when they speak still but I cannot speak it back. It’s tough trying to talk to my Grandma because of it. I am also her favorite. I was the first born from her two daughters and she gave me her wedding band a couple years ago. She told my Mom that she wants to see me get married before she dies. She’s gonna have to know by next summer if she’s coming to the wedding so my Mom is trying to figure out how to go about doing this. It’s great though that for the most part, I have support from all my relatives but it’ll be interesting to see what happens next summer.
Speaking of my brother’s wedding, I feel bad about not being his best man. Not that I want to be a “Best Man” because by then I am gonna be living fulltime going on 6-7 months and I just am not reverting back for special occassions. I just feel bad that he wanted me as his and now he can’t. It upsets me. He asked a friend to be his best man instead, which doesn’t bother me, but his friend wanted to know why he didn’t want me. Well my brother told him about me being a transsexual. His friend was pretty amazed. He was floored, I guess he just had no clue and couldn’t see why. At any rate, I’m not gonna be in the wedding in any capacity. I’m OK with that though, I’m happy that my brother and his now, fiancee are getting married. My brother and sisters are going to be back home for wedding stuff. They have to get fitted for Brides dresses and I guess a tux for my brother. I didn’t even know about this until my older sister told me when I talked to her last week. My mom told me Wednesday. I wish I could be home this weekend, to see everyone and to be back home for my birthday since it’s not going to be eventful being down here.
Well, at least it’s my birthday and I made another step in my transition. To those who are curious what I am changing my name to, I am keeping the first name “Erin” and using my mother’s first name for my middle name, which is “Liisa” and yes there are two “i’s” in her name, it’s not a mistake, it’s Finnish and I’ll be keeping my current last name. So my initials will be ELN. I’ll be the fourth in the family with an LN in the intials. My two sisters initials are BLN and KLN, and my dad is BLN. My Mom is LON and brother is BSN. I’m still gonna go by “Erin James” on the internet though.
Have a great weekend y’all.
This post is late as hell but I want to start off where I wanted to start with. It was Memorial Day 2003 when I was in Atlanta for my Southern Belle inductance social when my parents found my “extra” clothes in my closet. I was spending the weekend in Atlanta as Erin when I get a call from them on Monday (Memorial Day). I was already pretty secretive for my intentions/motivation for spending the weekend in Atlanta. She called me and wanted to know who I was with, blah blah blah. I told her some friends. After that she asked me if I was gay and I was like, um, no, why are you asking me this? She proceeded to tell me that she was looking for a shirt in my room and came across the girl clothes that I did not take with me to Atlanta.
She had told me she had found them before but there was less of them then and she had thought they belonged to a previous girlfriend that I had dated since she spent the night alot. This time, however, she told me that there was way too many clothes and not to mention we had been broken up for a year too. I basically told her that on the phone was not the time nor the place to talk about this and I would discuss this situation with her and my father when I got back to Augusta the next day. I left Atlanta Monday night really late and arrived in Augusta Tuesday morning around 2:00am. It was not till Wednesday that I saw my mother, she kind of avoided me or something Tuesday and my father went out of town and was not going to be back till Thursday.
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
