I finally got a hold of the wonderful Immigration dept. Bastards.
Apparently the processing time is indeterminant for I-90 applications, ie. change/update a green card. I talked to some indian guy on the phone (ya I know) and he was like, ya what they say on the automated system is just general but for an I-90 it is whenever it gets processed. He guess like 6 months to a year. Then he asked if I had another issue, I said no, and he said thanks for calling, *click*.
What a jerk. I waited like 15 minutes and our conversation lasted like 2 minutes tops. I am so upset. I hate my boy name, I have never liked it and now I am stuck with it for who knows how much longer. INS nightmares, they’re true.
So I laid in bed, all alone as usual and started to tear. It’s not like I am really unhappy or depressed like before. I still feel pretty good but it was a different type of emotion, it was just a sad, lonely feeling. I suppose I’m getting tired of being single. It would just be so great to just “click” with that person I find. I know what that feeling is but sadly, I can’t do much about it cause it’s either for people who don’t live in the same state as me or aren’t attracted to me (that I know of). That coupled with the repressed feelings of not being “me” more. Maybe tomorrow I’ll drive to Clearwater or St. Pete and hang around downtown/on the beach as myself and just keep my mouth shut 
Need to seriously get my voice in shape so I can do whatever whenever.
Don’t worry about me though, I’m actually feeling pretty good in spite of everything else lol. I feel happy, I just have these emotional days I suppose.
Last night was the worst night I have had in years. I laid in bed last night, in the dark, in the silence until it was broken by a whimper. I don’t know how I can do this anymore, the pain, it hurts so much. I am so sad, I feel that everyday that I live this fake life is one more day wasted in my life. Last night, I didn’t get much sleep at all. I cried for at least an hour with my thoughts consumed with the idea that it hurts too much to continue with my life. It’s fucked up that I think about ending it all, want to do it but never do.
Last night, however, I came closer to doing it then I ever have in my life; even the worst of my life a couple years ago. I was overwhelmed quickly, I didn’t even really see it coming. I know what set me off last night. I really don’t want to say exactly but it basically has to do with the wasting of my life up until now and tomorrow. I hate living like this; I hate living as a male so much it saddens me to the brink of insanity. I wish my life was different in so many ways. If given the chance to change the past, I’d do it in a fraction of a heart-beat. I don’t know what to do anymore. Something, please just make this all go away.
I think this is probably quite normal: a) I am not happy. As a matter of fact I almost feel as unhappy as I did a couple years ago when I was seriously thinking of suicide. I won’t lie now though, I still think about it but I am not suicidal. I just keep thinking about “What’s the point?” sorta thing. What I do about this is what I’ve always done… just keep my chin up and keep pushing forward. I suppose you can say, I keep fighting.
b) Financial issues. Nobody ever told me this would be easy. I bust my ass everyday just to try and give myself a chance at true happiness. I work so damn much, I don’t have anytime for myself. I suppose as well, you don’t get anything you don’t work for. I am not as lucky as a few that get some rich person to pay for everything and wham bam it’s all done. I just thought I’d be able to get a decent job to be able to cover all my expenses since I have a degree but I guess not. I will sacrifice a few years of my life for a chance at true happiness. I am not the first and certainly not the last.
c) My love live blows. I am so alone. I have been for years. I haven’t dated anyone since me and my ex-gf broke up over 3 years ago. For the following 2 years I didn’t want to date. I was just find out myself more and concentrating on graduating from school. I was sick and tired of being in school and it was the thing that was in my way of transitioning. For the past year though I been getting those feelings of wanting someone again. Of course, anyone I am interested in lives a 1000 miles away or anyone local who contacts me just wants sex. It’s depressing. Or if it’s not sex, they think I live full-time for some reason so when they find out I still live as a male, runaway they do.
So, I guess I’ll leave dating alone for yet another year or so or hell, maybe even longer so that by then I’ll be living full-time and then the person these people are attracted to, they’ll see. Not my other self.
d) Of course all of this still doesn’t help my inner feelings that torment me daily but it’s all a start and a little less to deal with I guess. I just cannot believe the rut I am in these days with my emotions and feelings.
Okay I got some beef with employers and I wanna express my feelings. Why is it that I can’t get a fucking job? Why is it that even Walmart would hire an 80 year old or the government employs people that can barely speak english in the INS department but someone like me, who has a college degree and the willingness to learn and a track record of being an excellant employee can’t get a job?
I feel insulted that places like Walmart or Publix won’t hire me. I mean come on, do they really think that someone of my age and education cannot learn to do something as simple as run a register or stock shelves? Oh, you’re over-qualified. Now tell me, what in the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t want to pay me all that money? Fuck you, I don’t care, I just want a part-time job. I’m not looking to make a career out of it.
Now, I can’t say the same for employers of larger firms that I apply to for career employment, that is a slightly different story but hell, if any one of them were to give me a chance, none of them and I mean none of them would be disappointed in my performance. That I can guarantee but no, people don’t seem to want to take a chance and hire someone like me. Maybe it’s the fact that I look like a fag? or my hair is too long for them? or hell, maybe I just don’t fit the profile in appearance to represent their company. What I say to that, fuck them. While it is there loss, it’s even a bigger loss to me and it makes me angry and frustrated. Gotta love the society we created and now have to live in.
It’s been awhile since I wrote anything meaningful so here is the deal. For starters, some know that I have recently moved and trying to start my life. The job hunt has been taking up a lot of my time lately.
Which leads into whats been going on with me. I am not gonna go into detail, I don’t want to. My life has been very difficult for me in the past few weeks. My life has changed so much recently and feelings are starting to snap in.
I am emotionally unstable, mentally exhausted and frusterated. I feel I am on the verge of loosing it. There are days I just want to say fuck it, it’s hard to push forward but I have the love and support of a best friend that means a lot to me.
So, for the time being, you won’t see me around much until I sort things out. This has been an explosion in the making for quite some time and the top finally popped.
Till then, good-bye for now. I’ll be back sometime later… Erin.
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
