Yesterday I attended a funeral for the first time. I didn’t know George that well but I liked him. We worked together at my current job. I cried when I found out he died last week and I cried at the funeral. He was only 48 years old when he suffered the heart attack that took his life. The wife and daughter he left behind are such strong people who didn’t deserve this.
I went with the owner of my company and a co-worker/boss to Ft. Meyers Sunday morning. We were there for the viewing, the burial and the wake. George served as a Marine and was stationed in Korea. That is where he met his wife. When he was 21, after he returned from Korea, he sold his motorcycle to pay for a plane ticket for his future wife. They were married for 27 years. He received a 21 gun salute and his wife received a service flag.
It was the hardest thing to look at him laying there, motionless. It was like he was asleep. It was hard to grasp that he was not alive, even though I knew he wasn’t. It was a very sad day.
A couple months ago I dumped around a 100 people off my LJ friends list. Why? I was being pissy about many things about the “online” life.
There were people on my friends list I simply just never found interest in anything they wrote about. There were people who never even bothered to participate in my journal. There were people that just annoyed the hell outta me. So really, I did house cleaning. I was tired of sifting through all the crap to find the entries I liked reading about.
Before that time, I kinda just kept quiet and didn’t do much journaling nor even read my friends list. Part of the reason was what I have explained before but this is the other part. I was like just so fucking tired of all the people who just seemed to not give a fuck. It wasn’t just LJ that got a house cleaning treatment.
Also, this had to do with transgendered issues too. Honestly, I feel that I’ve transitioned. I’m done. I’ve lived full-time for a year and a half and I’m happy and fit in just fine (normally). Physically, anything else I do is just gravy. Granted, living the life is much different then the actual physical transition but I’m just so over it.
I’ve just heard enough trans whining about this and that. I’ve heard it for years and I’m just so done with it. I know I’ve been there and done that but that doesn’t mean I have to like it now. I’ve focused on transitioning for so long, everything else didn’t matter but now, it’s no longer a focus and I’m getting on with the rest of my life.
So here’s the kicker? Everyone who says that I’ve helped them out so much or that I’ve been an inspiration to them just really, still, hits deep and makes me feel bad for doing what I did. I’ve done it in the past and always reconsidered but not this time. I’ve given so much, it’s now time to focus on me.
Hey there Delilah, by the Plain White T’s is one of my favorite songs.
When I hear it I can’t help but wish I was Delilah. The song reminds me of love and hope; that there is someone out there who thinks of me like that. I dunno, I guess I’m lame but being alone dredges up some wishful thinking.
If you don’t know the song, here it is:
I had a fun night. Danielle, Tori and I did dinner and a movie. I probably shouldn’t of had any alcohol to drink as now I feel a tad more sicker then I did today. We went to see “Black Snake Moan”. It is a really good movie in my opinion. Samuel L. Jackson does another great job and Christina Ricci was just hot in a redneck, trashy way.
Movie ends around 1:00am and we’re all walking back to the parking garage. I’m walking ahead of Danielle and Tori and a couple of guys come approach me walking opposite direction on the side walk. One of them looks at me and blurts out: “Is that a guy?”. Thanks dude for putting the finishing touches on the evening. I should of gave him the finger and said fuck you and kept walking. Instead, I just kept walking.
It bothers me. It shouldn’t but I can’t help it. It’s a direct blow to your self-esteem. It was all I could think about driving home. I’m not devastated or sad but I am bothered and upset a little bit. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. I guess I don’t look as unmistakably female as I thought.
Why is it that everything about me loves women but a teeny, tiny part of me wishes I could have a boyfriend. It really sucks.
Every time I have been with a guy, it’s the same shit. I guess I force myself to like a guy enough to go out with him but then any intimacy, I’m just like not into it. I want to be though but it’s like hard wired into every other part of my body that I don’t want it.
Girls, I see an attractive girl everyday and I get this feeling inside that is just that feeling of real attraction. I’ve never had that with any man ever but I still try. When I’m intimate with a girl that I like, it feels so right and I’m into it.
So, why the fuck am I so into girls and a little, tiny part of me wants a man that the rest of me will reject? Fuck sexuality.
I’m a lesbian with a false interest in men; if the trans thing wasn’t enough; go fucking figure…
During the past few years I’ve done something I wish I never did. I held back on everything.
Why? Because I felt that because I was in this awkward stage of transitioning (still doing the dude thing while looking rather undudish) I couldn’t be social. I didn’t want to have to explain to people or new friends this whole trans thing.
Coming out kinda sucks. Not knowing the outcome or people’s reactions; even from close, good friends is enough worry to kill me with anxiety. Part of me wishes I didn’t move to Tampa. When I lived in Augusta, I’d hang out with friends often. They would call me, I would call them; I’d meet new people; I was social more or less.
The first 2 years in Florida pretty much sucked. I lived alone for half of it. Co-workers weren’t exactly the hangout, friend type. Most of them are married, have kids and do that whole thing. The other’s that were/are single, not really my type to hangout with much past a drink after work or something. I was devoid of a close, knit group of friends that I missed greatly.
Things started to turn around after Tori moved here; then I met Danielle; then Jessica moved here and I do have a few friends that I really do trust and spend time with often. However, I still feel held back.
I guess it boils down to a confidence level. Sure, I have confidence going out and doing my thing and interacting with people on a daily basis. The confidence I speak of is venturing out into society and establishing a presence. I suppose I kinda feel like I have a security blanket when the people I choose to meet are trans. I wanna step out of that and just “be”. I love Danielle and Tori to death (I hope we can always be friends even when they both move away from me or I move away from them) but I wanna expand my horizons and I’m totally afraid to do that.
Being proud to be trans is one thing but how proud am I if I let it prohibit me from being me with others? Am I being too cautiously judgmental of everyone else in the world by placing a stigma on myself? Do I feel afraid to come out to others that I meet or afraid that if I don’t, they might find out?
Or maybe I just don’t want to be trans anymore?
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
