Well after pouring out all those thoughts and emotions last night, I decided to talk with my mom today. I didn’t get home till later in the evening because after class I decided to stay and work on a project for a little bit. To my surprise when I got home, she was the only one home. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to her since there wouldn’t be any interuptions (except for the damn phone ringing all the time, I hate telemarketers!!). This might get out of order or kind of random because I talked to her for an hour so my thoughts might be a tad bit mixed up and I may come back to things.

The main topic to talk with her about was how I don’t feel that my brother, sisters, and parents are not doing much in the way of dealing with me. I cannot remember exaclty how I started, something to the effect of how I was disappointed with her yesterday when I had talked to her about starting electrolysis. Oh now I remember, she was looking at a catalog from Spiegel that was addressed to me and she gave me that fucked up look when she picked it up and I told her about it. She was like show me, I was like, I can’t, it’s your facial expression but I think its a mix of “What the hell”, “Embarrasment”, and “I can’t believe you”. So that is when I went into it all.

Keep in mind, I didn’t let her speak much since I know all her answers so I addressed them all and all feelings and all possible feelings too. I covered all my bases. I told her I was afraid of the future. I said I think things are going to get ugly in a few years and I don’t want it to happen. She was like “ugly?” Yes, ugly. You and everyone else keeps sweeping me under the carpet like nothing has happened, you don’t acknowledge any facts or even me. You keep telling me “We are trying to deal with it” and I don’t believe you. If you really were dealing with it, wouldn’t I see some progress in everyone? No, I don’t because nobody wants to address the issue.

I’ve put alot of effort into helping everyone out, giving you resources to read, print outs to read, stories, and even a book but nothing sinks in. Quiet frankly, I am starting to get tired of putting so much effort into helping everyone out. It’s like school, if you don’t put any effort in, you are not going to learn anything and will fail. Even at Christmas time, you and dad were not the only ones that got a emotional, heart-felt note in your Christmas cards, I put a personal one in everyone’s cards this year, that didn’t help. I even tried to talk to , , and and they gave me the same answer you give me: “It’s hard and we are trying to deal with it.” How? It doesn’t look like it to me.

I know this is hard for everyone but why don’t you take a step back and think about me. How hard do you think this is for me? You just cannot think of yourselves all the time. Hell, what about ? How do you think she felt when her boyfriend, who she loved dearly and wanted to probably spend the rest of her life with, took it when I told her? It was just as hard for her as it is everyone else but she is trying and has done very well. It’s been like 2 years since I told her and right now she still isn’t 100% comfortable but she is damn close and I see this. She talks to me, she asks me questions, she accepts me for who I am. You cannot do this unless you try.

Some people take longer then others to get over something like this. Taking 4-5 years is a very long time. I am not saying there is a deadline or anything that is being set but just so you know. I don’t want you going to your grave still trying to accept me because you aren’t trying. It’s taken 2 years to get where she is. Do you realize its been 10 months since you and everyone else found out? I am not expecting anyone in 10 months to be completely okay with me or 100% accepting but damn, I would think that after 10 months I could at least feel a little comfortable talking to anyone in this house but I do not. The only reason I even do talk to you is cause you have talked to me a little, rare but little; where as nobody else has said a word to me.

Right now everyone can
ignore the truth or sweep me under the carpet because I don’t look too different now. Ya, now you see me wearing my little t-shirts, short shorts, girl jeans, tweezed eyebrows and longer hair but I still am not “different” looking yet. What is going to happen the day that I visit looking physically different or the day I come back home fully dressed as a girl and speaking like one? She said I don’t know. I said well I do and it’s not going to be pretty unless everyone deals with these issue now and not later when they have to. Quite frankly, I see what is going to happen. Nobody is going to know what to do or say and it’s going to make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. If I feel this way I won’t want to come around much. It’s not what I want but I can’t help how others will make me feel.

This is going to happen, whether you like it or not. I know you don’t want to loose a son but wouldn’t you rather have me alive then dead? I cannot make you and dad and everyone else happy by staying like this. I won’t live long and I know you don’t want to bury one of your children. I won’t be happy and I will have a miserable life. You can think of it as gaining a daughter, not loosing a son and everyone else can think of it as gaining a sister and not loosing a brother. Things do not have to be negative, think positive.

Then the issue about everyone else, like aunts, uncles, cousin’s, etc came up. I said look you can either not care what others think or you can live a lie for the rest of your life. I don’t care if I see any of them ever again, I mean I do care but if that is what you want, that is fine. I am not naive enough to think that everyone else in the extended family will take this fine. I’m sure some will and some might think of me as a freak. I don’t care and that is what you have to do to. Not care so much about what others think. You can continue to lie to the day you die that I’m busy or don’t keep in contact much anymore but eventually, like in 10 years someone like is going to say: “Where is ? I haven’t seen him in 10 years? Where is he, I want to see him?” Then what? She knows she will have to tell others. I said I didn’t care who knew and who doesn’t. I am fine with it. I have to deal with the entire world and you just get to deal with family. So again, how do you think I feel? This is why you can’t care about what others think, unless you are just too embarrassed.

So, for now, this is it. I’m not going to put so much effort anymore into helping you and , , , and dad out. I am at the point where I don’t care anymore how you all deal with me. I am telling you this now so that hopefully everything I’ve talked to you about tonite doesn’t go out the other ear like everything else seems to have done. But I am done, if everyone wants to continue to ignore the issues at hand, fine. That is going to be their choice and when it gets to that point, in a couple/few years we’ll see what happens, if I am right or wrong. I want to be wrong because I do want to be apart of this family and not feel unwelcome or uncomfortable this is why I bitch to you about things like this because I want everyone to be a part of my life. So you have 3 years, 5 years tops to come to grips with me before I plan to live full-time as a female. I have a plan and schedule that I am following and I’m not going to interupt it if I can help it.

That is basically everything I can remember talking to my mom about. I may have missed a thing or two but at any rate, I hope I didn’t seem like a bitch or mean to her when I was talking. I tried to be as open and two-sided as possible. I don’t want to force anyone into anything but at the same time it seems like I kind of have to unless I just let everyone sweep me and my transsexualism under the carpet. At any rate, I don’t want to seem like the center of the family with a “problem” cause I know others have issues they need to deal with in their own lives but I just don’t want to loose my family. I am lucky enough that they did not disown me from the get-go but I don’t want them to drift off either.

I know
my younger sister is going thru some hard times with emotions and inner feelings too, I wish I could talk to her more but I don’t see her much. If I hear she is coming to town it actually makes me happy but sometimes she only stays the day and I don’t get to see her or talk to her. I suppose I could call but I’ve never been much of a phone talker and I don’t like talking about serious things over the phone. My brother, I have no clue what kind of problems he has going on. He might not have any. I know he and his girlfriend have had a little bumpy relationship road and they both have been planning to move down to Statesboro so he can finish up his bachelor degree in mechanical engineering. He got his associate degree last year. My other sister, I know she has some rough times with the money situation and room-mates. She has lived in Atlanta for the past 3 years now and struggles from time to time but overall I think she is doing okay. Nothing majorly wrong or upsetting in her life that I know of right now either.

The worst thing about our family is that nobody communicates with anyone else. I try but it doesn’t seem to help and my mom talks to all of us but individually. My dad seems to sit off on the sidelines and doesn’t interact much with anyone. I suppose you can say he is just the backbone that funds the family life but that is about it.

I am going to end this for now as I have been writting this blog entry for nearly an hour now. I know its a ton to read if anyone even does read it all. Either way you notice the time again. After I talked to my mom, it ended when my dad came home, I just didn’t feel to happy so I went upstairs and laid in my bed. I eventually fell asleep and woke up a few hours later at 12:30am so that is one reason why I am still awake. So I leave you now.