I really don’t know how to write anymore. It used to come out so fluidly and creative. It’s almost like, I just don’t know how to type my thoughts anymore and I feel my experiences or whatever happens in my life is insignificant to write about. So, I guess I’ll just punch out a few things that are on my mind.
I’ve become single again. This pretty much happened the week before Christmas and it has shred my heart. To make it worse, we live together and still sleep in the same bed. I’m kinda getting OK with us being apart. I do need to get my stuff outta the bedroom and into the other bedroom.
I haven’t slept very well for weeks. I probably get less then 6 hrs of sleep each night. I been having bad dreams again but not as often as I used to. It’s like I am afraid to go to sleep. When I lay in bed, I keep thinking of many things that keep me awake.
I have to fly to California in just over a week. As much as I’m looking forward to going to CA, I’m not looking forward to how I’m going to get there. Tori decided she wanted to come with me so now me and her are going. It kinda makes me feel a little better that I won’t be traveling alone but my greater fear lies with the plane being in the air and the ground a long way down.
I been getting out a bit. Trying to meet some new people for friendships. It hasn’t gone that well. I just don’t click with many people and I end up not having much desire to hang out with these people. Thankfully, I do have a few close friends here and we do stuff all the time. The most fun I have had lately was going to my fav club, Flirt, for New Years Eve. They had a themed party that night. It was called the Hooker’s Ball 
So it was a good opportunity to bust out the slut gear. I bought some “Fuck me boots” (just knee high shiny black boots with 4in heels) just for the occasion. There are a few photos of me looking rather slutty but I don’t have them yet.
Something interesting has happened at Flirt. I guess the owner has taken an interest in me in some way. I’m sure it’s just like a friends thing cause she’s dating one of her gorgeous performers, Erica Andrews. I have never talked to her in the past and she just started talking to me. Friended me on Myspace and last weekend gave me a VIP pass to skip the $10 cover. Apparently she’s into transgirls *shrug* I’ve also got to know my favorite performer at Flirt better too since she took notice of me as well. This is the same girl who wished me a happy birthday back in September before she would of normally known. She’s pretty cool and seems like a nice chick to talk to.
I have finally settled on a date for my breast augmentation. After 3 reschedules, it’s now happening Feb. 15th. 2 weeks after I get back from Santa Clara. I’m rather excited about it and unusually unworried about going under the knife. I guess maybe because it won’t be the first time I have had to. Hopefully the best $4200 I’ve ever spent.
I went to the beach a couple weeks ago. It was great. Tori, Jessica and I went to Fort DeSoto. North America’s No. 1 beach last year. The sand is so fine that it feels like silk. They went swimming, I wasn’t in the mood for it. The weather in Florida is one reason I love living here. You can’t beat 80s in January and laying on the beach. Gasparilla is next weekend. It should be tons of fun. We just have to figure out a way to get to Bayshore for the parade; parking sucks and its about non-existent.
I been going to the gym regularly now for about a month. I have been doing group training with a trainer and some other people and it’s been fun. It’s gotten to the point now that I kinda look forward to going. It’s a pretty good plan he’s got me on. Mondays we do Abs and Upper Body, Tues. is 45 min of cardio, Wed. is Abs and this circuit training (it’s like upper body and back and legs), Thurs. is 45 min of cardio and Fri. is Abs and legs. I’ve been averaging 2 hrs a night there but I hope to cut that down to an hour because we are still learning the machines and stuff so it’s taking longer. My goals are a flat tummy, and toned up body and apparently my workout is geared to deliver that. I hope to get this accomplished before the beach season and keep it up for years to come. I just need to start eating better to compliment my workout.
I need to find time to update my website.
I don’t know why but it’s like the whole “trans thing” is getting old to me. Maybe it’s just for now but to have to talk about it and stuff isn’t interesting or reading about stuff isn’t interesting. It used to be and maybe it will be again. Maybe a part of me is a tad bitter that others are getting stuff done, goals accomplished and I haven’t. I dunno. My goals for this year are to completely remove all hair from my face, start on genital hair removal and get the hairs off the back of my thighs so can start looking pretty. It’s been 15 months living fulltime and this couldn’t of been a better move for me. I’ve fit right in to everything I do and I been having a good time doing it.
I think its going to be a rather quiet weekend for me. I’m not feeling like I wanna really get out and do much. What I need to do is move into the 3rd bedroom.
Have a fun weekend!
I feel like posting today since I need to get my mind back on happy stuff after a co-worker just made me cry. Asshole.
Friday was a relatively quiet night. I had to be up early Saturday morning so I stayed in. Tori and I went to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner and a few drinks. It kicks ass they have happy hour 24/7 lol. So a little interesting tid-bit at the restaurant: The waitress greets us, says hi and is like girls this girls that etc… I show her my ID for the alcohol and she is like: Yes ma’am! Good for you! I could only be let do believe she was referring to my ID with the boy name on it and that kick ass M as well (Friday is my INS appointment!!!!!!) It was actually rather funny and she was so cool to us all night. Later we watched a movie titled 100 Girls. It was such a cute movie; I recommend it.
Saturday was fun, laser hair removal at 10:00AM and then hop back to Tampa for a bike ride with Eve and her friend Melissa. My upper lip hurt and it was red. It still is red today; it’s like I have a red mustache, it sucks. I think it’s mildly burnt as well from the sun as I suffered a nasty sunburn on my lower back from my top being pulled up a bit while biking and the tops of my thighs. Silly Erin, I put sun-screen everywhere else but those places. We did 20 miles again but this time in the city. It was a great work-out. I was supposed to go to the Strawberry Festival afterwards but we got done really late and silly me forgot to get Nicole’s number. I’m sorry 
I missed group as well Saturday night, oh well. The better part: I called that girl I have a crush on Saturday morning asking her if she wanted to go out with me Saturday night. I had plans to go out with Tori and her friends to Flirt so I invited her along. Well I had to leave a message but I did get a call back while on the bike ride and then it was text msging tag for the rest of the day lol. We finally hooked up later that night!
We ended up at z109 around 10:30PM. It was a rather interesting night to say the least. Some dude kinda got in the way cause he bought us drinks and we were nice and said thank you and he kinda hung around us the rest of the night. We had several drinks bought for us… Considering she has a rather dominant attraction to men, I wasn’t sure how the night went for me. It kinda felt like we kinda clicked and she was flirting with me but it was quite casual. Which is fine actually because if she were to wanna like sleep together or something that night I woulda been rather unimpressed and disappointed. I’m looking for something more then just a hookup or casual sex. I think we both had a great time together though and she was like we so need to do this again. I’m quite happy actually, even if it just turns out to be friends.
New bikini! Maderia Beach
You can see the nasty burn on the top of my thigh
Sunday was spent at Maderia Beach. Ya, dumbass Erin goes to the beach with sunburns already lol. Tori and I had a great time though and I think we’re gonna make it a weekly thing to hit the beach so we can grab a tan along the way. I enjoyed the view of some really hot looking women there. It’s springbreak thus a little crazy on the gulf coast right now too.
Free advertising, why not?
It was a weekend long birthday celebration for a new friend 
I met Mark thru one of my friend’s from work. Friday night’s destination was Valentines. Valentines isn’t my favorite place to go but it’s really close to Mark, Jackie and Karina’s place so it’s a popular destination because of that. The bar/club is a dive lol. It’s not that bad though. It’s really small but who cares when you’re there with your friends right?
Mark got shit-faced lol. It was great but it’s his birthday, he’s allowed to! He’s also a tad um, under-age too. Karina gave one of the dancer boys a few bucks to shove his ass in Mark’s face. It was great, he loved it! I got to meet a couple other friends of Karina. They’re all so cool and a lot of fun to hang out with
One girl did catch my attention while I was there. She was this skinny ass girl wearing thigh high white stockings, panties and some sorta top. I figured she was one of the dancers there considering she was half naked lol. Anyway, she was like 6ft tall and cute. I later found out she was the son of one of the performers. I was like, OMG no way! She looked good and I hadn’t given her a second look that way. So, instantly she became more attractive to me
Alas, she looked straight though. Chatting away with guys all night when she wasn’t dancing. She looked me up and down like once that I saw but you know me, too chicken shit to even say hi without forcefull um, push. Eh, anyway, the night ended with Mark getting kicked out for being drunk/drinking under-age It was late, time to go home anyhow.
Ya, I know I’m looking rough. I have only been up for like an hour
Saturday’s destination was Flirt. We had a nice group show up. Tori brought a date and one of her friends from work as well. I have to admit, the drag shows at Flirt kick ass and I’m not that big into those kind of shows. They have one performer who sings live. She has such an awesome voice and a really hot body too. I gave my first dollar ever to a performer last night. Her name is Amy Demilo. She is really beautiful, I like to watch her She gave me a kiss when I gave her the tip. Mmm, cinnamon flavored lip-gloss 
I ran into a girl I know from group last night as well. She introduced me to her new roommate Kelli. Kelli moved to St. Pete from like Michigan or something a month ago and works at the laser place I go to. She’s like 23, started transitioning when she was like 14 or something like that. She’s cute but again, likes guys. Booooo! She also is friends with the performer at Flirt that sings. Eh, maybe a friendship can pop outta this, who knows.
Later that night as I was dancing alone, again this girl like comes up to me and starts rubbing on me. I’m like hmm, she’s cute, about my height or a tad taller. I’m like hell ya So we dance for a song and then she just like waves bye to me and disappears. I never saw her again that night. Oh well, maybe it was a parting gift lol.
It was a late night. Tori, her date, Josh and I ended up at the Village Inn for food at like 3AM. There is nothing like hashbrowns and pancakes at 3AM after drinking and clubbing! It was a fun dinner to say the least lol. I didn’t get to sleep till like after 4Am last night and been up since 930 this morning. I had such a great weekend! It’s nice to have some friends
Something I have learned this weekend: drinking top-shelf liquor does make a difference in your mood for the rest of the night and is kinder to you the next morning!
<rant>
So my roommate goes out at like 11:30PM or something to meet this guy. Comes back with the dude at 2:40AM. How do I know this? I was sleeping for like an hour and a half and then the dog goes nuts because of someone coming into the house and this new person.
Then it’s like hearing the t.v. and talking for half an hour while I laid in bed trying to ignore it all. Finally walk downstairs, ask her to be quieter. It was much quieter afterwards while I laid in bed but wait… I’m like wide fucking awake because I guess that hour and a half sleep was enough to charge me up.
So I try to fall asleep, no go. I’m in bed for another hour and it’s just useless. So here I am, screwing off on the computer because I am not tired.
The best part? I have to work in the morning. So I guess I’m just gonna go into work at like early as hell and hope I can make it thru the entire day without falling asleep at my desk. I am pissed.
</rant>
Friday was rather calm because of the early start I needed on Saturday. I just hung out at the office for a bit and had a couple drinks and played a little pool. Got my butt kicked at it as usual. I must stop playing with pros
Saturday was kicked off by meeting up with Eve. Eve is a girl I met thru another LJ community and we share cycling as an interest. So that sparked the meet up and drive up to Brooksville to go biking. She picked me up a little after 9AM. It’s about an hour drive up there. We chatted the entire way up there, the entire 25 miles of the bike ride and the way back to the city. Then had lunch at this chicken place I’ve never been too, it was really good. She is soo cool, I really like her. I think we’ll get along just fine
I got back home and it gave me an hour to shower and get ready to leave for my one-on-one therapy session. It went pretty good. She saw me for an hour and a half because she wanted to discuss something that has been pressing with me for a long time and to help me through it and come to a resolve. I believe we did reach that resolve. I’d rather not say what it was though.
Right after that was group. She has purposely scheduled it that way so I didn’t have to leave and come back later in the day. Group was interesting. It was the first time the ftm’s and mtf’s were together in one session and it was really neat to be able to hear what they had to say about the same stuff that we talk about. I didn’t say much this time but then again, I don’t really say much ever. The group thing is new to me as I’ve only gone like 4 times now.
After group it was to head over to Malissa’s house for a night of drinks, cards and just plain chit chat. Malissa is another girl from the local lj community. It was her, Eve, Nicole, Tammy, Corey and I. I had previously met Nicole and Tammy bowling a few weeks ago. I had such a great time hanging out. I was out there till like 4AM lol. It was a late night!
Sunday was spent messing around the house and then heading to mall to shop for jeans and glasses
The only crappy part of the weekend, which wasn’t all that crappy because I still had a wonderful weekend, was I didn’t get to hang out with my crush. Sigh, she was supposed to call me later last week to hang out sometime this past weekend and never did. I didn’t call her though because, I dunno, I’m kinda like not sure if she is more like just wanna be friends or more interest there. So I don’t wanna seem like I’m wanting more when there isn’t more being offered right now. So confusing.
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
