I want to appologize to my friends and anyone else who might read this that has sent me instant messages in the past few days. I’m sorry I havn’t been online much, that pesky thing called school is interfering. Oh ya, also, I guess I am to blame a little. Tuesday I spilled half a bottle of water on my keyboard so it was pretty much fried, useless. I tried to use the onscreen keyboard but what a pain in the butt. So I finally got a new keyboard yesterday for my house. Now it matches my monitor 
silver and black but it’s not curved/natural blah. It was free, who to complain.
I had such a long, long day yesterday. I went to work for 8am, meaning I was up at 7am and was busy as hell, as usual, till 5:30pm. I left work and went straight to school to do homework and work on a group project that was due this morning. I was at school from 6pm till 1am yesterday, talk about a long day! I just spend soo many hours at school either in class, doing homework/studying, or waiting inbetween breaks. You want to know how busy I am? I still havn’t unpacked my bags from SCC a couple of weeks ago. I might actually have time to do that today but I also want to shave after work, try to put some clothes away and wash the other stuff that I wore out at SCC. Will I have time to do all that? Probably not lol.
Oh and I’m still waiting for friends to send me their pictures from scc of me!! I want to put them on my website, lol if I have time! But I can’t even start till I get them, Heather and Katie get online lol! Well it’s the weekend, and I think tonite is the only night I can relax since I really should do school work tomorrow and sunday. Why? Well next week I have a test, 3 homeworks due and another project. The homeworks alone will take about 8hrs to do, the project, probably like 10hrs and to study for another test that I will probably fail, 30min lol.
Everyone be careful tonite, have fun. Love your friend Erin.
Sorry its been awhile since I last blogged but I just don’t even have the time to sit down and write even. As most of y’all know, I havn’t been online very much since school started and I don’t see it getting any better. Between going to work and class and free time to hang out and relax/chill with friends, my alone time drops to almost 0. Even right now while I am here at work I really don’t have time to be writting this but I am.
Well as you all know I had a blast at SCC the other weekend, come back to the grind and two mid-terms this week plus the usual ass of homework I gotta do. Been helping a friend move into a new house that him and his wife bought the week before I went to SCC.
Something that’s been on my mind alot, I mean alot lately has been Erin. Her desire to be out and alive is just soo strong these days. I’ve even been wearing my tight l.e.i. jeans to school all week and my looser old navy jeans to work. I dunno what it is but she’s coming out more and more all the time. My hair is getting longer, down to my eyes now and I am still not going to get it cut till probably December. I’m also going to get my ears pierced in December too after I finish working here. I’ve also been seriously contemplating taking an androgen blocker starting in December, not the full hrt regiment but just that one drug to stop or slow the production of testosterone in my body. I just can’t wait any longer. So I think I’m going to do that also.
Halloween is coming up and I said before that I wasn’t going to get dressed up but now I been wanting to. I have never dressed up as a girl for Halloween and this year will be my first. A friend or two dressed up as girls last year and now this year I want to put them to shame lol. Well, now that all my friends know about me and the ones who will be there who don’t, oh well, they can think what they want. I was thinking about something fetishy/sexy which I never wear but for Halloween i’d do it. Probably something like a maid or the like. I need to start looking around for a costume/uniform. Was thinking about black vinyl maid dress, knee/thigh high black vinyl boots to match, fishnets If anyone knows any good websites that sell that stuff let me know, I definately want to dress to impress this year.
I got to run right now, sorry for being gone, I’m trying my hardest to fit everyone into the little time I have.
Love Miss Erin Michelle James 
As you all know I have been anxiously waiting to attend SCC this year for the first time. Well it’s Monday and I am at school right now, wishing that SCC didn’t end. I had such a wonderful time, met alot of new girls, made friends and had a ton of fun. SCC was everything everyone told me it would be. Let me give you a run down of what I did on the weekend. (This is gonna be a long, long blog!)
Friday I had to attend school in the morning but shortly after I got home from class I left for Atlanta. It only took me 2hrs to drive to the hotel in midtown. I left at 12pm and got there at 2pm. I was really tired from going to school in the morning and then driving a couple hours so I hung out in boy mode for an hour or so when I first got there. I met up with my roommate, a fellow Southern Belle, and then she dragged me downstairs. We were on the 26th floor of the Sheraton, great view. I helped a little with getting the talent show ready for the dinner that night. I didn’t do much since there was not a whole lot to do at that time so I decided to get my registration and id card. After messing around with that for 15 minutes (they couldn’t find my info 
because I was filed under ‘e’ for Erin and not ‘j’ for James, I headed up to the pool. I met up with a couple of friends who were up there. There was pool party going on, I got there towards the end of it. I stayed up there for about an hour or so chatting and talking with friends that I had met on previous occasions (I am still in boy mode, lol no one recognized me as a boy. Apparently I look alot different as Erin). After that I was more awake and ready to go. I headed to the room to get dressed for dinner. I spent like an hour and a half on my face that day lol. I was just playing around with a couple different looks cause I wanted to look my best.
Dinner was at 7pm followed by a talent show. The food was pretty good Friday night and the talent show was pretty good too. There were quite a few good acts. My favorite was Tracy Anne Rhodes (she’s a belle) playing her guitar to a blues song she wrote. This wasn’t your typical run of the mill blues, I mean I never heard anything like this before. It was fast, loud, and a killer tune. I was very impressed. After the dinner and show, I hung out in the lobby and bar and socialized with new people and friends. I tell ya, that hotel was packed with girls and a some guys. At 10:30pm the buses started making trips every half hour to Le Buzz, a club up in Marietta. It was cool, you could jump on the bus (a coach bus, pretty nice) anytime between 10:30 and 3am. I headed out at 12am with some friends and partied and had a good time. Met a few new people up there, and made some more friends. LoL I never had to buy one drink for myself Friday night! I had this guy that just had this huge crush on me and wanted to talk. I talked to him on and off all night, being polite and friendly. I had this killer club dress on that a friend wanted me to wear. I’ll post my SCC pics soon, after I get them all from other friends. I currently have nearly 1800 pictures on 2 CDs from SCC now (not all of me lol, i’m in a few of them). Anyhow, after Le Buzz I jumped on the last bus, most of the friends I knew had already left earlier. I started to talk to the girl that was sitting beside me. She is soo cool. We hung out a bit afterwards that night and at the SBS social the next day and the party the next night. I got back to the hotel around 3:30am and chilled out at the hotel bar and lounge with friends till they kicked us out at like 5am lol.
The next day I woke up around 10am. Ya, I know, 5 hours of sleep! I layed around for a bit, chatting with my roommate. She went to lunch at 12pm but I wasn’t hungry. I got cleaned up and dressed for the Southern Belle reception at 2pm. I hung out at the reception for a few hours. Got to meet alot of Belles from out of state and many new Belles who joined that day too. The reception counted as 3 socials if you went and if you were a non-member you could still attend and if you wished joined the Belles and been accepted
in that day. We took the group picture around 4pm and the founder, Melissa, she was presented a large picture of a magnolia that all of us signed. It was a gift for all the hard work she has done over the numerous years. After the social I headed downstairs to hang out again in the lobby and bar. I met up with some other friends and we just chatted, took pictures, walked around outside. Next dinner was approaching and I had to change into something nice for the last dinner of the conference. Dinner was at 8pm with the closing ceremonies and thank you’s to the staff and other people who make SCC possible for us. It was saddening to me that it was coming to an end. I almost cried listening to everything that was said. I was going to really miss being there. After dinner there was the ball dance up in the Crown Room. It was a 60s, 70s, 80s theme but I didn’t dress for that, I don’t own any of that kind of clothing. It wasn’t required to dress up for the theme. I stayed upstairs for a bit, didn’t dance, wasnt into the music very much and it was really loud for talking. So me and a friend headed downstairs. And again met more new people down there. Sat around the lounge and just chatted and drank all night. Again we closed down the hotel lobby at about 5am in the morning lol.
That was my SCC in a nutshell. There are alot more details but I just can’t possibly type everything that happened. I met soo many wonderful people, made alot of new friends, met alot of girls I thought I’d never even have a chance to see or talk to in my life. For a weekend I was me, Erin. I so needed it, I hadnt gotten out since July cause school has kept me busy. I really shouldnt of gone because of mid-term this week but I had to, wanted to, and needed to. For 3 days I forgot about everything and anything that bothered me. I was just soo happy, everything else didn’t matter. If anyone ever has a chance to make it to an SCC please do. It is well worth going. You won’t regret it and it will be the best time of your life. I am sold, I’m going back again next year and the year after, and after that… All in all it was just an amazing weekend. I am almost starting to tear up right now writing this thinking about how much fun I had and how much I already miss it.
I’ll catch you online, see ya later, love Erin.
I’m home on a break between classes right now, had to get some things from home and going to head back shortly but wanted to blog a bit so here it is:
SCC for me is in two days!! The only bad part is that I got all this homework due Monday and a test on Monday and I wont have any time to study or do homework this weekend so I’ve been busting my butt to get it done before Friday. I knew this was going to happen, just my luck but I want to go to SCC so I’m going. So I still need to pack my bags! I finally got my birthday present I bought for myself in the mail. I bought a new wig for myself. I wanted something longer then what I have and blond again. You can see it here. I hope it will look good on me. I just got it yesterday but didn’t see it till this morning. So I’m gonna try it on tonight I’m soo excited. Work has been a drag, been really busy. Having to only work 2.5 days a week the work piles up on the days I’m not there so I havn’t had much free time to do homework while at work which sucks cause I was hoping I’d have more time to do it at work and balance it out a bit.
I suppose being a senior and close to graduation isn’t supposed to be easy now is it?
The weekend was alot of fun but I was bad, I had too much to drink all weekend. Not like I was sick or anything but just a personal feeling like I just drank too much. I’m cutting down on alcohol consumption drastically from now on, it makes me fat!
Well to say the least this week has been a pain in my butt. I am not doing very well in one class at school and I need to pass it to graduate. I could take it again next semester but then i’d be loaded up again with 4 classes. I am little pissed. I just don’t get the class, its such hard material.
Otherwise most of the week has been okay. I was going to take some new pictures tonight because my parents are out of town for a day or two and my brother was going to leave for a day too. Well he asked me if he could use my digital camera for the car & truck show he is going to in Atlanta. So the nice sibling I am, I told him yes he could use it. So now I don’t have a camera and I have the house to myself. Oh well, I guess i’ll have enough new pictures taken at Southern Comfort next week.
I am kind of nervous about going, I mean not out in public but being around so many other TGs that just blow me away. I suppose its insecurity, or maybe jealousy, who knows but I been told I’m going to have nothing else but fun while I am there so I guess that is what is going to happen. Not to mention meeting all the girls, or some of then who I know who are going, who I have either idoled or their website was an inspiration or just plain alot of good info. I want to tell them “Thank you” for all you have done for me.
The other day my friend Tori, the link to her blog is in the hot spots, she read a previous blog from September 12. What she told me is soo true but also sometimes doesn’t matter. That blog was pertaining to suicide and she told me how selfish it could be to kill yourself and leave all your loved ones or ones that love you behind. I already kind of knew that but it sometimes just doesn’t matter when I think about it. I know i’d hurt many if I were to do that. I don’t see myself committing suicide although I do think about it enough. Maybe I’m too smart for it? or maybe I am just afraid, or maybe I just don’t want to die. Hopefully one day I can be completely happy and really enjoy life the way I should of from the start.
Anyway, I guess I’m going out with my friends tonight to have a good time and forget about the things that make me unhappy. I’ll write back sooner then a week this time, I promise.
I really do not know what to say, I feel I need to though to keep my promise that I will keep this blogger updated often. Well I do this for myself and for anyone else. The biggest reason probably is that I blog my feelings here and maybe one day I can look back at everything and see how it was at any particular point in time. Occasionally I get an email explaining to me that the person read my blogger and comments on how well I seem to write, or how personal I get and sometimes I get people telling me they feel the same way. I appreciate all the emails and everyone who does take the time to read these blogs. It shows that you care. Now if you don’t read them I am not saying that you don’t care because I know I have many friends who don’t read these but I talk to all the time. (Maybe they don’t really care?) Anyway, sometimes I just wish like my parents would read this since they never talk to me much about how I feel. Even if I make my mood or outside appearance quite obvious.
Anyway let’s move on. As anyone would know it was my birthday this week. I never did anything special for it nor did anyone else, not that I expected it anyway. I suppose I just don’t like much attention and be left alone in the background. Only two friends, not including online friends, wished me a happy birthday. My ex-girlfriend and one other good friend. The other friends and other good friends didn’t. Kind of sucks but oh well, that is how I feel about myself and their forgetfulness or uncaring actions just kind of confirm my life, blah. The week hasn’t really been that bad, I had a test on Monday morning that I failed the hell out of. I just don’t know that stuff and its so hard and the teacher just sucks. Work all this week has been busy and pissing me off. On the other side, I have hung out alot this week with everyone (although not for birthday purposes) and had fun. Last night we went up to Jackson, SC to the Carolina Dragway. I have a couple of friends who race their cars/trucks up there so it’s kind of cool to see them race. They don’t race nothing stock or half ass either. Ever seen a 50′s chevy pickup with a new model bed on it, painted silver with a 454 sprayed and supercharged before? Or a ’79 Trans Am with a stroked out 350 to a 388 being sprayed? Just a couple of the vehicles my friends own. They run in the low 13′s high 12s for the quarter mile. I am not much of a mechanic type person at all lol. I just learned what stroked meant a few days ago and I couldn’t fix shit in an engine bay. Its just fun to go up there with a few friends and have a few drinks and watch some fast and not so fast cars race. Tonite my parents are taking me out to eat for my birthday, where I don’t know, it’s probably my choice. We would of gone out Tuesday evening but I had homework I needed to get done so we didn’t.
I plan on buying myself a nice birthday present for myself. Something I really want is new hair. There is this wig that I am looking at getting. I’m going back to blond since I like that color the best. I want to get it before SCC so I suppose I need to order it soon. My brother or sister asks me what I want for my birthday and I always tell them nothing. They won’t take that for an answer and I really would just like to say, well Erin wants alot of things! but they wouldn’t do that for me and I don’t expect them to so I won’t ask. My parents are splitting the cost of tires for my truck which is nice. Mine are pretty much getting worn out. The tread isn’t there much anymore and it will probably cost around $500 for a new set of tires. That is nice of them to help me buy those since these days I am pretty broke. I hate not having money.
Despite the decent week, I’ve felt depressed for quite some time now, about the last month and a half. The depression is really not related much to my external life. I’m pretty happy with friends and having fun but internally I am a wreck. Think this week and last have been the lowest point so far. I constantly think about death. I think I’ve come to a conclusion though: I want to die but I am afraid to do it. I read this article from this site on suicide last night. It wasn’t some professional writing or by a doctor but by a girl that just wanted to express her feelings and try to help other’s out who are feeling this way. Her site address is myBoringLife.com and the link is on her top menu bar titled “Suicide”. It kind of helped me out, she explained her reason for why people want to kill themselves and I never thought about it in the way she presented it before and it makes sense. I do have immense pain inside and not enough coping resources. I just ran across her site while trying to remember a friend’s site address that was similar to myboringlife.com. She’s a pretty girl and has some cool links and other stuff on her site. Maybe check it out if you have a few minutes to kill (not literally).
For now I’m done. The weekend is coming up and I am not sure what I will do. I suppose hang out and have fun? Just think, at the beginning of this blog I said I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes my mind takes a mind dump and everything just spills out.
Read me later, Erin.
I soo hate the fact that they just don’t like to be shaved that much. Its gotten alot better but how can I stop in-grown hairs!!!! It so depresses me seeing those red bumps on them. I hate it.
Of course its pouring rain again. Damn when it rains in Georgia it rains and it rains hard.
School been kicking my little butt all around, this semester I am actually worried about passing all my classes. I got this one that is just soo tough. I just don’t even understand the stuff we are doing. I havn’t had that feeling in years. And yes, I do go to class and take notes and do the homework but I just get soo lost doing the homework. The first homework is due tomorrow. I soo just need to get through this, my next semester should be fairly easy and then graduation!
It’s been soo long since I really got to get dressed up and get out. I so miss myself. I really, really do Guess I will just have to wait till SCC in a few weeks but even then I been soo down I almost just don’t even feel like going anymore. Life is on a downward slope right now, again. Hopefully i’ll see an upward slope soon. I cannot take it much more.
Oh, did I mention I hate my legs?
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
