One of my best friends,
![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
moved to Illinois this past weekend. It has really made me sad to loose (not in a sense of not friends anymore) such a great person.
I’ve known Tori for several years. She was one of my first internet friends when I came out of the tranny closet about 5-6 years ago. I remember how we met. I remember the very first time we met in person. I remember the first day that we moved in together.
It makes me emotional because she is really close to my heart. We briefly dated, however it didn’t work out but what did flourish was our friendship. We first met face-to-face in Orlando after an impromptu visit from Tori (who at the time lived in North Carolina). After that, she moved to Tampa and we shared a town house in a really great part of town.
We had some fights, usually got along but most of all, had a lot of fun hanging out. She has the best dog in whole world. Molly, Tori’s pet, is such a sweet puppy. I love that dog to pieces. I lived with her for almost 2 years.
The best part about Tori was that if you asked her to go anywhere, she’d normally say yes. Even if it was like a 2 hr drive to Orlando. I’m like that too. She loves movies and introduced me to some of the funniest movies I have ever seen and I can thank her for my fondness of Zombie movies. When I had a question about fashion, she was the girl I went to.
I miss you Tori and I hope we can hang out again. I’m even tearing up at work just writing this (something set me off last night in bed too and I started to cry because I missed her). Take care, and good luck <3
I haven’t felt much like writting about my feelings on here lately. It’s sorta kinda really about who will read this. Not that I really care but I been waiting and thinking on things before just blurting them out.
I have been rather quiet lately, still been reading friend’s journals
here and there. I have been super busy, almost an emotional wreck and
completely worn out. Why? Read on:
Today is payday 
It has been a tough month on the books. A couple of huge credit card payments and a big slap with a laser bill really put the hurt on. I’ve had $0.24 in my checking account for the past few days and already burned down the extra money I had pulled out of my savings 
I pretty much ran out of money 2 weeks after I was paid (I get paid monthly) because all my bills are due like right after payday ie. in the next week. The total damage to my savings wasn’t bad, and from eating nothing but cereal for breakfast, ramen noodles for lunch and like yogurt and an apple for dinner, shed 8 lbs off my weight. So I’m back down around 148-149 lbs. Gas prices are kicking my butt and I thank Tori for putting gas into my truck before she left on Monday, otherwise, I wouldn’t of had any nor have the cash (unless I pulled more out of savings) to put any in. A lot of it got burned last night driving to St. Pete for another meeting with that support group. I’ve gone 3 times in the past 4 weeks.
I am not sure what to make of the support group really. I don’t know what to say about it either. I think it can be alright but then again, going doesn’t interest me much. I dunno. I blabbed and most likely whined to Tori last night about things. You know, sometimes I really just don’t know what to make of myself, feelings or thoughts sometimes. I wondered if something is wrong with me but I have no clue. It’s almost like that has to be it to answer this question but then again, I dunno. I want to make friends but then someone I come into contact with, gives me their phone number and says call anytime, I have no desire to call them. It’s weird and I can’t explain why. I’m not looking for answers from anyone else, I’m just bitchin’ I guess, expressing feelings and getting this out into my journal for future reminiscence.
I’m not in a sad or depressed mood though. I’m fine right now, yesterday and for awhile actually. Things are going ok. I have never had this feeling to this extent before, like really excited. I am really, really happy to be me. I am really happy to be transitioning to a girl. It’s just like OMG it’s just so great. Maybe way back it was more of a, I can’t wait but now that things are happening, falling into place that it’s just more of a reality that I really do see. I look at myself in the mirror and I’m like damn! My hair is long, my face is like so different. My skin and body has changed so much too that I can see all this as a whole for like the first time. It just makes me so happy! My voice isn’t too bad, I been working on it on and off for a while now and it’s decent. I am planning to start the process to get my name changed in September. It’s gonna cost a lot and I asked my parents if they’d pay for 100% or 50% of the cost to help me out as a birthday present. In October I am going to come out to my job so that I can start living full time as a girl. It’s gonna be awkward, scary and uneasy since I work with 1 girl and the rest men. I think it’ll be alright though and I won’t loose my job.
Things are looking up for me. Tori is moving down in a month, this is like so great news! It’s been a long time that we have been doing the long distance thing and commuting from FL to NC and vice versa since Feburary. It will be so nice to actually be able to see her every day instead of webcaming and talking on the phone. I so look forward to living together in our new place in November. I don’t talk too much about my personal, personal feelings on here but I do want to say all of this right now.
My parents left for Canada yesterday. They are going up to Thunder Bay to visit family and my parents are planning on telling my mom’s sister/family about me. This will be the first extended family member that will know about me, my transition to a female. I think it will be fine though. My aunt, her sister, is really cool. So are their daughters, my cousins. I am excited that they are taking this step in telling them. My mom has already told a friend or two of her’s back in Augusta, they support my mom and I, which is great. I was going to go back home for Labor Day weekend but since my parents are going to be out of town till Sept. 7th, guess I am not. I thought about seeing Tori but the plane tickets around Labor Day weekend are just too expensive for me to purchase. There is no way I could fly to Augusta to see friends, flights in and out of Augusta are way expensive so I guess I won’t take Sept. 2nd off from work and I’ll just stay around Tampa for Labor Day weekend. Maybe Val will want to do something one of those days.
My birthday is Sept. 9th… eek, I’m going to be 26 years old 
Tori was here this past weekend and it was wonderful! Relaxed Friday evening, went to the mall Saturday afternoon and then the Avril concert Saturday evening. The concert was so awesome. Butch Walker, Gavin DeGraw and Avril Lavigne. Butch Walker was alright, had a humorous act though, trying to win the audiences affection. The coolest part of his performance was covering Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway song. He made some crack about lip-singing and then played her song. I liked his version better Avril covered Blink 182′s What’s My Name Again and Blur’s Song #2.
Sunday we headed to the townhouse so Tori could see the neighborhood and the actual place. She was already sold on it. She also had to sign a credit check application. The landlord also knows that we are both transgendered, she thinks it’s great that we are being who we want to be, etc… So basically, we already have the place. We then drove down to Bradenton to hang out with Shannon and Allie. I had a little too much to drink and remembered why I rarely drink. All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. 5 weeks to go!
A couple of months ago, I picked up a couple of tickets to go and see Avril Lavigne here in Tampa. Well it’s that time! She goes on stage tomorrow at the Ford Ampitheatre. I am so excited that I get to see her perform and that Tori is flying in tonight!!! She doesn’t know it yet but the concert was just an excuse to get her down here again
It’s been long enough since I last held Tori; I miss her so much. It’s going to be a wonderful weekend. On Sunday we’re gonna go and check out the townhouse together. Tori wants to see it. Thursday I dropped off the credit check application and I had to explain why they will find Tori’s boy name on the accounts. At the same time, I told our future landlord that I am transgendered as well. We talked for like 40 minutes about the subject. She is really cool and thinks it’s so wonderful that we are both being who we want to be and following our hearts to be happy. She has no problem with us being trans! She told me, she already decided that she liked us enough that unless something horrible comes back on the credit/background check, the place is already ours!
My name is Erin. I was not always named Erin and I was not always a girl. One could argue that I am not a girl, perhaps a boy or both; maybe neither.
